Walk in and don the tiny shorts and sexy skin-tight shirt,
You’ll need to show all that you’ve got to make it big in here.
Stretch it out and loosen up, otherwise it’s gonna hurt,
Now take a deep breath, pop a mint, and swallow any fear.
Flash a smile at your partner, then glimpse at your reflection,
Butterflies got you all tingly, but it’s time to start the show.
Last thing before you start to play – don’t forget protection,
Deep breath, and start your warm-up, to begin just take it slow.
Now it’s coming right at you so call out like you want it,
All the practice you’ve put in will better your performance,
Be loud, be proud, you know the way, you have the talent – flaunt it.
Let the adrenaline own you; live solely for these moments
And when you let the ball drop, don’t let your spark diminish,
Just move on to the next point, toss, step, hit and finish.
"Play Time" is the perfect title for this poem; it makes it seem like the poem is going to be about an innocent, child-like experience, then the content of the poem is something completely different. I like how the speaker's voice sounds like that of a wiser peer who has been through this process before. The subtle, natural rhymes of the poem throughout make the poem progress smoothly. My favorite part is the last line- "point, toss, step, hit, and finish"- because it gives a strong sense of closure to the poem and doesn't leave it open-ended. I would suggest changing a few sentences that sound a bit awkward. For example, "walk in and don" to "walk in, donning." Or separate sentences that seem too long- "be loud, be proud, you know the way, you have the talent- flaunt it...solely for these moments." These lines are great and should be left alone, but I think line breaks are needed there. Loved the poem overall! -Abigail Adler
ReplyDeleteI loved this poem! at first the poem seems to be going in one direction and then you discover that it has a completely different meaning than anticipated. I think that the title also helps reinforce this twist. I think that it had more of a “telling feel” than “showing” but I think that the rhythm helped support its meaning. So clever!
ReplyDeleteI thought this poem was a great example of a facade poem--it starts out suggesting one meaning and by the end the reader gets a different meaning. The poem has a great cadence and the author was attuned to meter and the poem flowed well.
ReplyDeleteI like the narrative voice in the second person. It's instructional, but also clearly showing that this is what the speaker's experience has been. I like the idea of telling a story instructionally, this implies not only that the speaker has has the experience and is almost training someone younger and less experienced to do the same, but it also implies that this is not a one time "event'" at a specific time, but a standard experience that has been and will continue to be repeated, and despite the light tone, the disjointure between the title and tone and the content implies that perhaps this is not a positivie thing and should not continue on as it's been, but it may be difficult to end the cycle.
ReplyDeleteThis poem was so much fun to read! I was on the edge of my seat while reading it. The speaker does a great job with the rhythm and rhyme. The twist at the end really makes the poem. The metaphor is great. I would suggest that the speaker uses less words. There are a lot of words in the lines that could be combined. For example, “ you’ll need to show all that you’ve got to make it big in here” could instead be written as “you’ll need to show all you’ve got to make it big here.” It’s not a massive change but it makes the sentence flow better.
ReplyDeleteThis poem was so much fun to read! I was on the edge of my seat while reading it. The speaker does a great job with the rhythm and rhyme. The twist at the end really makes the poem. The metaphor is great. I would suggest that the speaker uses less words. There are a lot of words in the lines that could be combined. For example, “ you’ll need to show all that you’ve got to make it big in here” could instead be written as “you’ll need to show all you’ve got to make it big here.” It’s not a massive change but it makes the sentence flow better.
ReplyDeleteI think this is an awesome poem!
ReplyDeleteI think that the flow of the wording works well, could be that the pentameter is good. I also think that the rhymes flow in very well and smoothly and it doesnt seem as if they are being forced so that this could be a sonnet.
There is alot of ambiguity to me about what this poem is about which I think could be great but if the reader wants it to be more clear, I know that the speaker keeps referencing a play but what type of play (why do they need protection?) is it actually talking about something that is deeper?
Overall great job! I thought you started from the description of the speaker ("Walk in and don the tiny shorts and sexy skin-tight shirt,") and I liked your ending as well, especially the 13th line.
You were really able to convey the tone of the speaker in an awesome way. I could tell she was slightly uncomfortable, excited, but also even a bit angry about how the hook up idea works. It was sassy and a fun read, and I enjoyed it. The innuendos in this poem really worked and the title even adds an extra jab to the act. "Play time" conveys that it's a joke, fleeting and just a fun moment. I think there is a slight social commentary in this poem. The raw descriptions elucidate the way the hook up culture works in our age and plainly shows the emotions behind it. My one suggestion would be to embellish the third stanza to make the rhymes sound better, to help the flow.
ReplyDeleteSo first as to meaning. This poem is either about some kind of performance, or it's about sex. I'm not sure. By line seven, I was convinced it was about sex, but later lines seem comically off key if that is the case. After reading it a few times, I am guessing it's not meant to be about sex, but if that's the case, some lines will need to be changed.
ReplyDeleteAs for the form, did you mean to write it in heptameter (seven feet) instead of pentameter (five feet)? I am guessing you did, right? It's an odd choice, such long lines in a sonnet, but you are actually fairly close to the iambic heptameter, a rarely used meter.
I just read it again, and I am now thinking this is about a theatrical performance, maybe, with a sports allusion at the end? The line about using protection really sounds like birth control, though.
I hope you revise this to get it closer to iambic. I can live with the heptameter, if that's what you want, but getting closer to meter would be great. For example, lines 10 and 12 are pretty far off. It's hard to end lines in iambic meter with words like "performance" and "moments" because they end with a stressed then an unstressed syllable, which is the opposite order of an iambic (unstressed then stressed). Use your voice and your ear and sing the poem out loud to yourself to help catch the rhythm.
Looking forward to seeing where this goes.