The candles were ours,
The lights were not.
Our cheeks flushed red,
Straight in from the cold
With haste we made
For the bed unmade,
Tiny snowflakes fall from our hair
Surely they won’t find us there.
Under the bed,
We cautiously crawl
“Shh! Not so loud!”
If they hear us, we’re done.
Huddle together,
We’ll fit it we cuddle
It’s the only way,
The oldest insists.
The crickety bed creaks,
The drippy ceiling leaks.
With our breaths are held tight,
Someone turns on the light.
When we hear them come in,
The suspense settles in,
“Where could the girls be?"
Wondered sarcastically.
With an eruption of giggles
We know what we await,
We've been found - out we crawl,
To our awaiting fate.
But tonight’s fate is sweet,
And it’s not off to sleep,
First a victory dance,
Then collapse on the couch.
The most enchanting of winter nights
By our fire, but not our
lights
In the happiest of places,
Were our six warm and smiling faces.
This is a sweet poem, but I was distracted by the inconsistent rhyming. It seems like it will be a "rhyming poem" at first, which may be fitting due to the content about childhood, but when some of your stanzas/lines don't rhyme, it throws off the tone of the poem. I would be consistent and either mostly rhyme or mostly don't rhyme, and when you shift one one to the other, make it more intentional and related to the content. I might also suggest longer lines (more like the line length in your last stanza) because, as we discussed in class, longer lines lend themselves more to setting a rhythm for the poem, without having to resort to end rhymes.
ReplyDelete