This one’s for my sister
Sobbing through the long lost nights.
Despairing for an exit,
For her brave and feisty soul.
She saw a spark and followed it through,
Now she wears those boots,
And that green,
With fragile, but, enormous pride.
And this one’s for my cousin,
Wherever he may be.
I imagine him high on a hill,
With battered boots,
And exhausted eyes.
Standing watch,
Keeping guard.
And all the way across the Atlantic
I feel the pain of his mother’s fear.
And this one’s for my best friend,
Who first tied his soldier’s boots.
Before he taught him how to shoot,
To fight,
To be.
Then watched him curl
And writhe
And groan
As the neighbors left him there to die.
And this one’s for my lover
Who watches from afar
He lusts for his own
Pair of boots,
For a chance,
At the fight.
I too wish he could
Join the war for who we are.
And this one’s for my people
Dying from forever’s hope.
Endlessly waiting for never to succumb,
For the day we collect all the boots,
Toss them in a bag,
And throw them carelessly into the peaceful wind.
I really like your idea for this poem: the use of a refrain line, "This one is for..." is effective in establishing rhythm and unity, and the focus on the boots is a telling way to express the military context for the poem.
ReplyDeleteThis is a generous poem with a big heart and a wish for happiness for others. This is always a good thing, but I wonder if, given the context of the military and fighting, if the poem shouldn't also acknowledge a little more the threat implicit in the situation of the loved ones.
I see this happening in the second to last stanza, and I think even more would help.
My most important suggestion, though, is that if you show rather than tell more, using details your readers can SEE, then the poem will come to life more readily and more vividly in our minds. This is something we have talked a lot about in class. A lot of times here you tell us that something is happening without showing it. I would look for those places and consider how you might be able to portray this, so that the emotions work through the imagery.
Some good stuff here though.
Wow Carol! I really like the repetition and the overall message of your poem. I really liked your use of the image of "throwing them carelessly into the peaceful wind." It really brought out your message by "showing," rather than telling.
ReplyDeleteI think you can improve this poem by making sure all your possessive nouns are not ambiguous. Check your stanza about your best friend to see how you can make it more clear to your readers!
Welcome to the class, and great job!
Hi! This poem was really effective in portraying the pride and appreciation the speaker has for those people in her life who have risked their lives! I liked the repetition of the first line of every stanza and also the repeated mentioning of the boots, because it is a slightly unexpected piece of military clothing. I think that you could make this poem more emotionally complex by adding in some of what the title seems to suggest- the tears and suffering aspect. One technical thing that i was confused about was the "he" in the third paragraph. Also the line "Endlessly waiting for never to succumb" was confusing to me.
ReplyDeleteHi! This poem was really effective in portraying the pride and appreciation the speaker has for those people in her life who have risked their lives! I liked the repetition of the first line of every stanza and also the repeated mentioning of the boots, because it is a slightly unexpected piece of military clothing. I think that you could make this poem more emotionally complex by adding in some of what the title seems to suggest- the tears and suffering aspect. One technical thing that i was confused about was the "he" in the third paragraph. Also the line "Endlessly waiting for never to succumb" was confusing to me.
ReplyDeleteI'm a sucker for war poems, specifically about israeli soldiers. I really like how this poem shows the different perspectives of people impacted by war. I wonder, if however, the ending was wrapped up too neatly. What happens until then? As Prof Miller suggested, perhaps you can show more. Give us some tangible details about the characters you introduce that are unique to them and not cliche. -Rivka Hia
ReplyDelete